Astraldreamer's Poetry

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hugs astral

love love your poem, I can also relate to it and yes, you have been missed on here very much

Cirrus wrote:hugs astral

love love your poem, I can also relate to it and yes, you have been missed on here very much

hugs to you too cloud and thank you, is your new username pronounced as cyrus? if so thats what my dad used to be when he was little and living in jamaica cus he was always serious all the time x

note to admin - this may be a little too dark for a site like this, if it is i apologise and please remove, ill understand why and wont be upset x


Have you ever gone through something painful and you truly believed your heart was breaking? but then you go through something even more painful and this time it feels totally like youre heart as broke and you dont even feel the pain anymore as bad, you just feel confused and sort of lost? well that's where im at.

The reason being i truly believe my youngest daughter hates me, i mean really hates me, as a mother my heart cannot take it or accept it.

im wondering if this is my  karma for running away from home at 16, and never speaking to my mother again, im now 39.

mines and js relationship has been fading for the past year, shes 15

i know part of that is normal teenage rebellion shit, and some of it is because of the communication difficulties that comes with autism.

but for the past year i have been forcing her to go to school, and we have argued about it daily.

to begin with she didnt want to go because she developed ibs symptoms and had anxiety about not being able to make it to the toilet.

but for the past few months she has also lost all confidence and trust in the school and teachers, started off hiding in the toilets, because she cant cope socially any more, cant cope with the work load or being in the classroom anymore, leading up to full school refusal.

of course me being mum and trying to obey the law have been forcing her to go in, ive had the school and educational welfare on my back for months. jj started to self harm and yet i stupidly still made her go to school.

anyway to make this shorter 2 weeks ago jj rang child line and said she wanted to take her own life, that she couldnt cope with school and that i didnt care about her health or her and that i just want to keep the school happy, child line notified the school and they told me.

so since then ive pretty much kept her home, but just this morning i heard her saying to her sister that the only thing she can trust in this house is her bed and her duvet, this hurt so bad. she doesnt trust me any more cus i forced her to go to school, also because i tell her off for normal things teenagers get told off for.

its not as simple as sitting down and explaining to her, as shes autistic and doesnt understand things well, she doesnt interpret things right, i recently was talking to a friend and said i hated the mess jj makes, and she went and told her counselor that i said i hate her.

anyway this is the main reason ive been down, along with some past issues cropping up, always does this time of year as today is my abusers birthday, at some point on this date every year , i remember its his birthday after realising the date, and i freeze and all the memories come flooding back so im always more sensitive,

anyway last night i argued with a good friend, this morning i woke up to a message from my friend who isnt happy because i haven't been up to see her, baring in mind she knows what im going through and also knows that i have a chest infection right now.

a message from my friend who i argued with , with more rude messages trying to carry on the argument

and i just felt something inside just snap and i cried and cried and cried, didn't respond to them, went on to facebook and the words for this poem just came out, i made sure my daughters and family didn't see it, i edited the privacy. This is the first time ive ever wrote a piece of poetry without meaning to and without thinking about what im gonna write first, i didnt think at all it all just came out.

anyway i was just washing up just now and i was thinking about whether i should post the poem on here or not, as its probably the most pain ive felt whilst writing any poetry. as i was writing a mini wine glass that i wasn't near, nothing touched it or knocked it, started to spin and fell on to the floor and smashed.

i dont know if that was a message from my angels to just show thy are here with me or wether it was just some other thing to try and annoy me and make me feel bad in some way, like some karma or something.

anyway here is the poem.



i used to wear a fake smile for everyone to see
not many knew or noticed the pain I hid inside me.

it was as easy to apply as the most perfect foundation.
masking over my sad face like a brand new creation.

I took my mask off to try being me
as a result of spending some months in therapy.

nothing had changed the pain was still there
and now I can't find my mask anywhere.

I've searched everywhere again and again
but all I can find is hatred and pain.

im not a nice person although I do try to be
im always sad and wishing to be free.

i look up at the moon and stars so high
I don't wanna sleep at night, I just wanna fly.

to say goodbye to it all and fly away
I don't wanna hurt anymore
not for one more day.

i want to love and be loved in return
make a fire of all my bad memories and watch them fucking burn.

I want to be able to wear my real smile around everyone not just a few.

i want to lose weight and eat healthier too.

i just don't want to be a failure anymore
I know there's more in this life for me
I'm so so sure.

so I just need to find my perfect fake smile
wear it for just a little while.

so step by step I can build myself up
yet still be able to cope each time I fuck up.

do things I enjoy and find piece in my heart
cuz there's no fun at all in falling apart.

i must admit, right now I do NOT want to stay
but please believe I'm trying in every way.

so please pray for me and send me a virtual hug.
ask the angels to heal me from up above.

please bear with me as I go through this time
pls hold my hand and stand by my side.

I do not want to be alone
that's when my pain makes itself at home.

so text me, call me or knock on my door
help me keep my mind occupied so I can keep the pain out more.

one day soon I will emerge stronger,  you will see
but in the meantime please don't forget about me.

xx

I wil pray for you astral I have a niggling feeling when your daughter is 16 she might go and stay with her sister am not sure but as I red all this that was a feeling I got sending you hugs xx

thanks button, they have always planned to live together since they were really young, i hope they can achieve this but they both have a lot of problems due to their autism and because of this they do argue and clash a lot as well as getting on a lot of the time, jj confides in her and vice versa bt at other times they fight and dont get it each other.

plus my eldest is in housing association at the moment , i do worry how she is gonna cope when she is in flat of her own so for them to share would be my dream as jj is a little more mature in some areas that a isnt and vice versa so they could help each other.

i do worry though that it will be a case of leaving and then coming back over and over again for a long time in regards to jj x

Teenagers I went thru this with my 2girls but sadly 1of my girls is in heaven now teenagers think they no better than mum its when they get older they relise mum was right I have a brilliant relationship with my oldes daughter now she's 34 xx

aww im sorry to hear that button, that pain must be unbearable for you :( , but do you believe she is around u, do you believe that the death of our bodies isnt the end that our spirits live on just in a diferent way and in a different place? thats truly my belief.

its good that u have a great relationship with your eldest now, yeah they hopefullly all learn in the end but its such a painful time for us parents isnt it? x

It is painful I used to cry because they left at 16 and moved in with boyfriends I had to let them get on with it and sure it never lasted they both came home but they both moved out a few years later with new boyfriends my eldest daughter has a good job and she drives now and she pickes me up if I have a night out in the next town am really proud how she has turned out she is a supervisor working in a canteen in a factory she misses her sister to we keep each other going thru life and yes my heart is broken it will never heal when my daughter passed away a part of me died to hugs xx

I never had a good relationship with my own mother she just drank alcohol every weekend and dureing the week she worked but never had conversations with me so I tried my best to be there for my girls growing up we can only do our best hugs xx

I do believe when we die we are still around our loved ones I have seen plenty of sighns that my daughter has visited me in my house xx

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