Astraldreamer's Poetry

I suffered with depression when I was younger and that's when I write poetry best for some reason, so a lot of these are a little dark, I will try to add some more positive ones.

thank you to anyone who reads xx

I don't know you and you don't no I
Just walking by we caught each others eyes.

I smiled at you, you smiled and blushed.
Then hurried past as if you were in a rush.

I shouted wait But you didn't hear
Just carried on rushing like there was something to fear.

I watched you go.
Admiring the way that you walked.
Wishing I could know
Why you didn't stay and talk

A few weeks passed then I saw you again.
I was alone at a pub, you were chilling with friends.

I sat and watched you
Not knowing what to do.
Should I walk over and say hi
Or just watch you slip by.

A friend spotted my eyes pinned on you.
He whispered in your ear
Then you turned and spotted me too.

This time I blushed and Got up to run
I wasn't a stalker but you probably thought I was one.

I looked behind me as I rushed
You stood there smiling you didn't look fussed.

Really why was I running away?
I began to question if I should go or stay.

I waited outside I knew you would come.
I was out of breath from my little run.

Next thing I know you were standing beside me
A cute smile on your lips and looking happy.

Sorry I rushed away that day
I noticed you too and you blew me away.

We went back into the pub and we talked and talked.
Both felt and ease so no one walked.

I liked you and you liked I
You walked me home late that night.
But you didn't push to come in
You weren't that kind of guy

We exchanged numbers and you rang me the next night.
Said you weren't ready for a relationship but something felt right

So we got together but took it slow
Getting to know each other and letting our feelings grow.

We both understood that love can't be rushed.
It takes time to fall in love, to believe and to trust.

We are still together 10 years down the line.
We are happy together.
I'm yours and you're mine.

I wasn't looking for love when you looked my way.
But something in your eyes. I just couldn't stay away.

But just look at us both not even talking now.
The love was lost, crept away somehow.

I loved you hard. I gave you my all
But you didn't care
Just pushed and watched me fall.

I would have done anything for you
To make you happy, To make you smile
Even though you knew it too
You couldn't find it in you to stay a while.

messing around with other girls
Unbeknown to you, ruining my world.

I blamed myself after you left in a rush.
Was I too fat?or did I nag you too much?

It took a while but now I realise.
The only thing important to you was yourself in your eyes.

So I don't miss you now
I'm glad that you've gone.
You mean nothing to me
You loved me all wrong.

From the moment I was placed in my mother's hands.
I've found this world too hard to understand.

Too much too see and too much to hear.
I cant cope with it all there's too much too fear.

Too many voices in my head
Speak one at a time then I'll hear what is said.

Don't stand too close please give me space
It scares me when people are too in my face.

Sometimes I say things that seem really rude or I may be happy but look like I'm in a mood.

I've funny eating habits and good and bad days
but please know it's not my fault I was just born this way.

I may be quite different from what you know. But please don't judge me by what I show.

It's a all a big struggle but I'm not a bad kid

And I'm certainly not stupid.

I was born autistic.

do you really know me?
how i feel inside?
all the pain i feel
or the secrets i hide?

would you notice the pain behind my eyes
or would you see my fake smile
and not realise?

i hide how i feel from the world each day
its hard for me to talk so i just say im ok
even though i want to cry
i hold those tears back in my lie.

until im alone in bed at night
once everybody is out of sight
i cry until my eyes are red
hugging my teddy, curled up in my bed.

so when you see me smiling dont always assume im ok
its my way of dealing with things, we all have our own ways.

They called me your shadow cus i followed you here and there,
but if id had my own way i wouldn't have followed you anywhere.

I would have gone my own way, found adventures by myself,
but i had to do what you told me too.
I wasn't allowed to do anything else.

I thought the abuse and psychological games were how it was meant to be,
not realising til i was older that you just didn't love,
me.

The mean things you said,
made me feel sad,
they confused my head,
I really believed i was bad.

Then i told you he touched me in a forbidden way,
but you laughed in my face, told me to go away.
You didn't believe me, you said that i lied.
That broke my heart and made me cry.

you both abused me in so many ways
im so glad neither of you are in my life today.
Im damaged enough and i sure don't need more,
its a forever goodbye, you are never welcome at my door.

As a mum you were meant to love and protect,
not abuse me with others,
turning me into a wreck.

But you just didn't care, i know that now,
I was nothing to you,
just a fat ugly cow.

yes i remember all of your names for me,
it's no wonder really why i don't like what i see.

when i look in the mirror all i hear is you,
telling me im disgusting , a burden and ugly too,
ive grown up believing all this is true.
Really, what kind of mum were you?

my girls will never feel this pain,
i'd die for them over and over again
then let them feel what i feel now
that's something that i'd never allow.

you may not have shown me how to be a mum,
but it's natural to me my girls are my number 1

its a shame i wasnt your number 1 too,
i guess you have nobody to blame
but you.

Don't cry for me when I'm dead and gone.
I still exist I've just moved on.

To a world you can't see that's all around, not in the sky but on the ground.

In another dimension where angels sing.
Where there is no evil
Just joy and laughing

I didn't die I'm still alive
Just in spirit form ,
you can't see with your eyes

But feel with your heart and you will find
My presence around you
my picture in your mind

Feel my arms around you holding you tight,
Whispering I love you
Telling you that I am alright.

I'm happy now I feel no pain.
And I'm still around just not the same.

So remember now when I'm dead and gone.
When you go to my funeral to pray and sing songs

I'll be right there with you
An angel by your side
Loving and healing you
Wiping your tears as you cry.

But as I said please don't cry.
We will meet one day again
This is Just a temporary good bye.

I wrote this for a friend of mines who im pretty sure is my twin flame, he admits feelings for me too but has been very hurt and damaged and just runs every time we get too close again.



All she ever wanted is drifting away
Like a bubble so light
Caught in the wind blowing til it's out of sight.

Not seeing what's right before his eyes.
He's guarded, protected but he doesn't realise.

That this girl isn't the best
But her heart is for real
It doesn't matter about the rest
Cus she knows how deeply she feels

She feels it you see, so strongly inside.
But he won't let her in he's built walls so tall in which to hide

To help him feel safe to keep love apart.

To protect himself from another broken hurt.

These walls she can't see but she knows they are there.

Because she once had the same.

For whenever someone showed they cared.

She knows not what to do

If she should go or stay

Move on or wait

But would it always be this way?

Her heart thinks one way but her head the other

She can't get them to agree

All she sees is that they would be good together

She tries to ignore she tries to pretend

That it's nothing at all. Just a crush on a friend.

So she puts her feelings aside

Wishes them away

As life goes on

And she lives out her days.

Sometimes she looks back and thinks of he . Thinking what ifs? and how different things could be

She whispers his name, smiles at his memory

And wonders if he too ever thinks of she.

There's a girl led in bed
Not sleeping, but thinking of words that can never be said.

Words that can't be revealed.
She must stay quiet,
Her lips are sealed.

And though it hurts to keep them in.
It wouldn't be right to whisper them now,
Cus the heart never lies and her heart won't allow.

So she lays in her bed in a day dream,
Wishing and imagining how good things could be.

If only the love that she feels was felt in him too.
Wishing the dreams that she dreams could really come true.

But although she's in deep ,she knows she must end.
Any love that she feels
As he just wants to be friends.

She must open her heart and let that love fly.
Whilst whispering his name and saying goodbye.

Then become just that friend he wants her to be.
It's took her a while but now she does see.

That her love isn't returned and there is noone to blame.
You just can't force another to love you the same.

So although she feels love she puts it aside.
This her heart will allow and this love her heart will help hide.

I wrote this when I was in a very dark place and was having flashbacks of my abuser...


no words just tears and a heart that weeps
feel pain deep inside, usually i can hide
but today it flows like a bleeding vein
like a waterfall
like a drop of rain.

unable to laugh unable to smile
nothing to me seems worthwhile
don't feel like me
I DON'T FEEL LIKE ME !
i feel different as though i'm outside of my body

head bent down as i walk through town
nobody will notice me if my heads kept down
this logic to me keeps me safe
no one can invade my personal space

where am i going? even i don't know
i just needed to leave, just needed to go.
to leave and to walk and to think things through
when i get where i'm getting too ill decide what to do

my body now fails me i can walk no more
I've got to stop, my legs are just too sore
so here i am, my walk must end
and its time to decide how my heart will mend.

do i jump and say goodbye?
let go of all this hurt inside
or do i sit and think this through
because i know its silly i really do.
i don't want to cry and i don't want to die
i just wanna stop these flashbacks in my eyes

every morning every night there you are
in my head and around every corner
i cant get free, i cant run away
you are there to haunt me in every way

i'm trapped i'm trapped
i need to get out
leave me alone
i cant even shout

leave the past in the past is what they all say
not easy to do when you see it every day.

Not sure where to direct my thoughts now.

To give up or to dream?

To laugh or to cry?

Just sitting and thinking of many years gone by.

Heart warm and smiling
With how things could have been

Then pain and regret of chances missed, chances gone
Of things I'll never see

Was too shy to admit u were on my mind

Didn't believe you'd want to hold my hand.

It was the fear of rejection that I couldn't stand.

I thought you'd laugh if you really knew

That I was waiting and hoping to be with you.

But insecure in myself and way too shy
I couldn't tell u
It was easier to lie.

So just a friend I would remain

Not what I'd dreamed
But who is to blame?

My heart was heavy and my pain I had to hide.
As I watched you later love another
A girl not me by your side.

But still I said nothing
Watched you slip away
Wished u would be happy
Wished for you no pain.

As we'd laughed and joked so many moons ago

I wished you knew.

I would have done anything you know.

Just to have been with you.

Xxx