DOGGIE DILEMMA

I feel like I am in some sort of custody or access battle with my dad over my dog lol

sounds silly but its something that has been given me a lot of inner turmoil this week and I don't like the feeling, im hoping you guys can help me resolve my issue a little bit.


First of all I didn't grow up with my dad, my mum brought me up to believe my step dad was my dad and then I found out he wasn't when I was 15 when I found my real dad.

After years of abuse at home I decided to run away and my dad was there to pick up the pieces , I love him with all my heart , he truly is my hero.

Now about my dad, I truly believe he is a adult with undiagnosed autism and ocd, my two children both have autism and my dad has all the same traits as them, its quite shocking how similar their behaviours are.

My dad is the most loving person, kind and caring but he also is prone to having meltdowns and anger outburst when things do not go his way, he does not handle change , especially any change in his routine very well at all. He also becomes addictive with his routines.

I get on with my dad as long as we don't have disgreements, we are both quite stubborn, but he is very good at expressing his anger whilst I am not, im quiet where he is very loud, I do not cope at all with confrontations or angry people, I curl up within myself where as my dad is like a explosion, whatever he is feeling comes out.

Its something he says himself he is unable to control, I did write to his doctor to try and get him assessed for autism but they are reluctant t refer him for this.


in 2015, my sister who breeds dogs showed me one of her dogs puppies and I fell in love instantly.
I didn't want a dog, had no plans to get a dog and was quite content with the three cats I already had, but something about this little dog just melted my heart and she reminded me of the german sheppard I had as a child so I decided to keep her.

My dad at this point was telling me not to get her, that dogs make your house smell and that he wouldn't come to my house and that he wanted no part of this dog.

I got her anyway, meet my dog, poppy xx

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Despite what my dad had said he quickly bonded and fell in love with poppy too.
often walking her when ii was unable to because of my fibromyalgia and other health reasons and watching her once a year when I go on holiday.

Now ive never really had a problem with this until recently, I had even given him a key so tht he could come and be with her when I am out or if he wanted to walk her when I was still in bed in the mornings but a few days ago a issue arrised which really annoyed me.

basically I seen on the news that a dog had died after walking when the temperature was 21. and the rspca was saying that the safest time to walk dogs would be before 9am and after 9pm when the weather is really hot.

well my dad came up to walk the dog, he never asks, just turns up, I said to him I don't think you should walk her as its too hot.

he said its fine

and I explained about the dog that died and he just said they obviously don't know how to look after dogs, that dogs in Jamaica are fine in the heat, so then I explained that they are fine with the heat because they are born into that environment, and also told him about the advice the rspca had given.

and his just shouted that he wouldn't walk her then, I tried to tell him he could walk her at 9pm, he stormed off and sat in my garden for half hour then cme back inand said bye, I said you can walk her in  hour, he said you said I couldn't walk poppy and im upset about it, burst into tears and stormed out whilst I was still talking.

I didn't contact him, just left him to it, I didn't and still don't think I had anything to apologise for, after all poppy is my dog and I was just trying to keep her safe.

Anway he came up the next morning , apologised, just said he couldn't cope with the change of his routine and that he didn't feel badly towards me, that he respected she was my dog but said I didn't understand how much he loves her, that they have a special bond and that hes sorry that I didn't have tht same bond with my dog.

now I do know how much he loves poppy, poppy also loves him too, when he is around my dad is master and they love spending time together and I would never want to change that, but his explanation of why he had stormed off has triggered something in me and im thinking, hes right, poppy is my dog.

I shouldn't have to be arguing about when she can be walked etc, he should respect my decisions. so ive decided that my dad needs to change his routine to fit around me and what I want for my dog.

I know poppy loves me too, but ive never experienced that special bond when it comes to walking her, poppy knows when granddad comes then she is to be walked, so my plan now is to tell my dad he can walk her in the morning or afternoon, but early evening walk is now going to be my time.

he is welcome to come up and play with her in the evening still but I want poppy to learn and get to know that mummy is in charge of the nighttime walk, I want it to become part of her routine.

that way its a compromise, my dad gets to walk her, and I get to walk her, but I know my dad isn't going to see it like that, I mean he sometimes walks her three times in one day, if he happens to come up whilst im out with her he rings me to find out where I am then comes to meet us, and then its like I don't exist to poppy.

Poppy does listen to me but I need to build up on confidence with letting her off the lead in the park, because she is feisty and tries to go after other dogs and she doesn't like people she doesn't know, and I feel the only way I can do this is if I build up a routine of walking her alone.

My dad will see this as me trying to take poppy away from him which isn't the case, if I wanted to do that id take back my key or change the locks and tell him he cant walk her at all, but that's not what I want.

I feel like to tell my dad that he should go get his own dog then he can have total control of it and where its walked etc, I mean im not even allowed to put doggie clothes on her or put her hair in a ponytail or get her  apink lead cus he says he aint walking her like that, he takes it all off and never puts it back on.

Ive told him before I don't want him to shave her as I like it when her hair growes long, but sometimes he just goes ahead and shaves her anyway.

I guess I don't feel like my dog is mines, and I want her to feel like she is mines, I feel my dad shouldn't have poppy as part of his routine three times a day, he should be asking me if he can walk her and doing it around when I want to walk her.

Am I over reacting? I guess I just need advice on how I can have this conversation with him without him having another meltdown.

I mean I planned to walk her tonight with my friend, and I told him this, but when he left after walking her this morning, he said ill come walk you later poppy, so I need to be more direct, but I cant deal with and don't want the confrontation, the tears and the anger but at the same time I don't want to sit back and watch my own dog being raised by somebody who doesn't even live in this house hold.

please help x

Astraldreamer


I still believe you have every right to have control over who walks her and when. I tested out yesterday as Marley was in the garden it was hot, i couldn't even handle walking barefoot on the patio i almost burned myself, so i thought woah.. definitely not ok for dogs/cats paws, even in the shade

I understand where he was coming from about dogs in hotter countries coping ok but you have a very valid point.. We can't handle the heat ourselves, can't walk barefoot on the hot ground ourselves.. so havng a coat of fur and paws on the ground is bound to be painful for them as well as exhausting with the heat , you're right, just my opinion

Evenings are better.. not even 9pm but maybe even 8 dependiing on how hot it's been, a heatwave is too much even if he walked her in the shade.. if it was woodland and ground was moist etc then it would be ok. Where does he walk her, streets etc? because yes you're right, way too hot

Tell him to test the ground by placing back of his hand on the pavement for 5 second, if he finds it too hot, it's too hot for pup (the way weather has been the last few days i burned myself testing it out) not badly but enough to not do it again :D

I think your dad could possibly be in autism spectrum but i can't diagnose, only reason i say is from what you've said plus you are experienced with it because your two daughters are autistic, so if anyone is a better judge it's you an i believe you.

I tried to do the same once, i wrote and even went in with a family member to speak to the dr about assessing them for a mental illness. I was blanked completely, the doctor didn't and wouldn't look at me let alone listen.

Are you his next of kin? .. As far as I'm aware next of kin have so many rights.. if you are one, you legally can ask for an assessment to be conducted if you have good cause to believe they are unwell... even if the dr doesn't think so right now

Gps are not always very cooperative... have you thought about contacting social care direct?

They can help a lot with arranging assessment of care needs, occupational therapy , social workers, they have teams of people who can come out and assess his needs, mental health or physical (and yours too with your fibro)

There's a number i can dig it out for you if you like, you can fill in an online assessment form (for unwell person, or as a carer) they usually call you back within a week to arrange to meet face to face with you. I just feel it might help as they can then probably give you more powers to request the assessment ... definitely worth looking into

Aside from this... i'm not sure what else to suggest in how to help this. Sounds he gets very emotional over you asking him not to, so i don't know how other things would go down. I'll keep thinking of other ways to get it through.. and help him understand

I feel he means well but then so do you, and you're right here 100%..have nothing to feel guilty for, over this

thank you cloud, im in bits right now, I struck up the courage to tell him what I had decided. first of all I told him tht poppy had had her early evening walk, and reminded him that I hadl told him I was gonna walk her this evening.
I lterally had only been back for 10 mins, poppy had been too hot, panting badly and breathing heavily so I couldn't walk her for long.
he said he could just walk her again, he asked why.

so I explained about what he had said about me not having a special bond with poppy and that I had decided I wanted to have the last walk with her for our little time to bond. something she can get used too like she has with him.

he began to argue saying that I would never get the same bond that he has with poppy, I explained I wanted my own bond, not his bond and that I wasn't going to argue over my own dog.

he said he wasn't arguing, that it would upset poppy, that I was ruining his and poppys routine and that poppy wouldn't like it.

I explained that poppy would be fine, not stopping him from walking her, he welcome to walk her any time or multiple times between the hours of 6 and 6pm as long as its not too hot but that I wanted to walk her on my own sometime before 8pm as I wouldn't want to go out late.

he started going on about but poppy likes lots of walks and she knows he is the one that walks her the most, then again he just stormed off, I asked him what his problem was why was he acting this way and he shouted loudly that he didn't fkin know and just slammed back gate crying and sped of in his car.

then I had a argument with my daughter I was correcting her about something and she started crying saying I am always shouting at her, 3 other people in the room said to her that I wasn't, I was so upset about this after what happened with my dad that I started to cry.

she then stormed off upstairs screaming tht I always cry to make her look bad which isn't the case.

feeling defeated and drained.

thanks for your advice, I think I may be his next of kin, ill need to get his permission before ringing anyone otherwise he will probably have a go at me about that as well.
and as for poppy he does check the pavement, find shade and streams etc for her, but poppy over heats quickly and starts panting and breathing heavily so on a hot day she could over heat before they even reach the stream and shade.

just cant see why if he can have a special walking bond with her why I cant too x

thanks dragon, I hve insisted all this but my dad is acting like the dog is his lol