by AstralGuest Tue Nov 19, 2019 3:28 am
Alright but it's going to be a long one and maybe confusing and chaotic since I certainly haven't put all the pieces together yet for a sound conclusion.
I was raised by a father who was devoutly scientific. He would blackmail me as a kid to not believe in santa telling me "If you don't say you don't believe in Santa right now you wont get any presents". He would train me in science, languages and other things from an early age, our trips would be to experimentariums (Basically science amusement parks) and Planetariums. My mother came from an island where everyone was very devout christians (To the point where me fishing and giving the fish to my grandmothers very nice neighbour almost got me stamped as a satanist because i dared fish on a sunday) They were divorced and my mother moved in with a man that I absolutely adored as a kid... Up until I was 9. After that I got my brother who I absolutely adored, but I was treated as if I was a burden and he would chase me around the house screaming on top of his full lungs. I was lonely as I was not permitted everything and mosy of my childhood was spend in isolation.
I always adored animals and preffered them over human company and when I did move in with my fater at the age of 12, I had 0 social skills.
I still don't have a lot btw. But I was smart since thats one of the only things that ever got nurtured. And I was taught to be respectful and not lie. So when my mom wanted me to be christened (Happesn at around 12-13) I told her that I did not believe in god and but I would not disrespect her faith by going into "The house of god" and lying to get big presents (It is common in my country to get reeeal ass big presents here and all my friends told me that was their reason). She consider that extremely rude and punished me for it. How dare I not be christened.
Anyway I decided that I could honestly not answer any spiritual questions at all, since I had a very limited knowledge of religions and there was more to it than Christianity. And thus my new hobby was born: Researching the religions and spiritual beliefs of the world. I would go into Ancient egyptioan Mythology, Christianity, Satanism ect.. I figured out that, although I did not believe the stories that there was more to them. Populations around the world, from althroughout history had very similar beliefs and stories and I found that if you constantly ignore "coincedences" and dismiss them as such, can you honestly say you are thinking logically?
Unfurtunately I was made homeless at age 15 so my research stopped early on and I became pretty spiteful at the world in general.
Now some extra information. I had a stepmom in my younger years who was very spiritual. She always had these angel cards lying around with little messages on them. I have fond memories of me shuffling through them. She was also a healer (Spiritual healer) and she would have the house filled up with beautiful plants that she tended nurturingly. She is to this day the best motherly role model I have had. She took me many places and she was also a photographer.
I have one memory that stands out in regards to these things, she brough me to a friend who was also spiritual and she asked me a question about me being able to see something (I dont remember the exact question) and when I said no, she paused for a moment, confusion on her face, but ten dismissed it as my mind just not being open enough yet. I remember feeling pretty insulted and angry at that, but also intruiged. (I must have been around 7-8).
Althought I ended up at around the age of 11-12 to think there was no magic in the world, no soul and that love was just a lie told to humans to keep them in line. My outlook was really dark, but I always wanted the best for the world. I Wanted to become a druid so I could find better ways to use herbs and medicine without having some of the really bad side effects that modern medicine has on people. I have always been very good with animals and people have joked that I just speak their language.. But the things is.. I kinda do. There is rarely an issue for me in understanding how an animal feels or what it wants. I thought this was normal and I struggle a lot with respecting and understanding people who claim Animals have no feelings, or that their feelings are somehow diminished.
Anyway, the only reason I got into lucid dreaming was because my dad told me it actually worked, otherwise I would have never touched it even if I on a daily communicated with... Something. I used to say as a kid "I explain my thoughts in my head so the people listening in wont misunderstand me". IT was very natural for me that there was somethign or someone there. Until I decided that was a stupid, naive and childish thought and dismished it.
At a certain child age too I decided that manmade rules were bogus, and I made my own ruleset. Including; If you are sick, just pretend you are not and it will go away (It worked always) or "if I worry less things will just turn out good, I just have to trust my instinct (And it actually did also work).
I practiced lucid dreaming but it did not work. So I practiced meditation first since it seemed to me to be connected to be able to calm my mind. Lucid dreaming became a thing I could do, and now after reading up on it, i realize that the technique I used is consider chakra induced lucid dreaming.
But there is more.. After going through what I would call a spiritual awakening (I am still shaky even thinking that, and I am not 100% sure I actually believe it wasnt just a psychotic breakdown due to indoctrination). I have regained memories that seems.. Out of my timeline.. I think I have memories before a rebirth. I remember someone asking me "What do you want to learn now?" and I said "Pain" and the "Person" asked incrediously "Why would you want to learn pain?" and I said "Because I need to understand and how can I ever help anyone if I don't understand it". I am also pretty sure I had gotten killed by someone I trusted and that is why I asked it. But it is.. Not really anywhere in this lifes timeline.
Also my very very very first memory in this life was waking up from the most realistic nightmare I have ever had to this day. (I was 2). I was an adult woman being chased down by a dark figure and I turned around to face him and he stabbed me to death without me waking up, I was just screaming and screaming as I was dying until my mother woke me up.
But to why I think I changed worlds.. Well some would dismish this as a Mandela effect but there are just certain things that have been important in my life that has now changed. For example our biology is different. We now have wider ribcages, we now have bones behind our eye sockets and now every human has a ring around their eyes. (The ring one is really what made me dismish any notion of Mandela effect). When I was a kid, the ring around the eye was super rare, and I remember looking myself in the mirror and wishing I had one because i considered it very pretty and in all my drawings (I liked to draw) I would draw this ring.
Also another one that coooould be me remembering things very wrong, but going to the planetarium with my father and enjoying this time I was taught that earth was on the Sagittarius arm of the Milky way and I just realized that now there's apparently a black hole there?
Anyway I have felt like the world has shifted many times over and in my "Spiritual awakening" one of the things I was "Told" (I say told but it was not really with words" that "How can you call yourself logical if you keep dismishing everything as coincedence). Apparently my "Spirit guides" are sassy AF.
Anyway I know all of this must be confusing to read.. But I guess It is confusing to make sense of to me too.
Oh and in case you are curious I just turned 30.
